Whatever

I have had a lot on my mind lately.  I have become very reflective and was just thinking that I am pretty sure no one ever reads this blog so I am going to use it to vent and to talk about what I am doing or whatever is on my busy mind and not worry about how every little word or image comes across. I am might jibber jabber on but as I am the only reader WHO CARES!

I have always been a firm believer in the whole "everything happens for a reason" theory and that people come into your life for a "reason or a season". But what happens when you wish that you could roll the clock back - not all the way - just to the point where you made the decision to go or to stay or to enter into the relationship or whatever.  Knowing what you know - would you make the same choice again???

For those of you who know me, you must know that I am very loyal and that I will do whatever it takes when you need me too.  That has not always been the case.  I have not always been this strong (self taught!), nor this dependable.  I feel that is a quality that I can thank my first husband for (eeck!  yes I have had two. I am still working on the second one.  If you know me you also knew that.)  I also came away from the relationship with a vague business sense and an amazing son.  So those would be the reasons for that debacle.

The things is, I don't believe in divorce.  Don't think I don't know how ridiculous that sounds - I am divorced - but it was not my plan.  I did not (I don't think) do it out of selfishness or impulse.  I did it out of desperation.  Even now, happily married with another child and a very wonderful life I question the decision.  My husband, Steve is a wonderful wonderful person and I love him more than I can even begin to put into words - it is not that, at all.  In fact, I am not sure what it is.  My sense of failure?  I am not someone who gives up - ever - and I guess I feel like I did... it was just enough already.

Anyway, I have been really internal the last couple of weeks and I wish I could shake it.  Good thing is though, that it has been keeping my mind off of the other junk that turns my hair grey.