Ghosts From the Past

This should be a Saturday Story but I have it in my mind to write about this today - Sunday.

If you are reading this and you know me personally, please know that it is not my intention to hurt, harm, or disrespect anyone. These are events the way that I remember them, the way I lived them, how I felt about them. This is only about me. Nobody else. This is my story.

Today I need to write about friendship and the realization that I had this morning about friendship and how it has affected (and effected!) my parenting as well as how I feel about myself and my own relationships.

When I was 15, I went a little nuts.  Ran away from home, et cetera et cetera.  It all happened during the summer.  By the time I went back to school my life had been flipped upside down, I was living in a foster home and nothing was the same - including my friendships.  The friends I had at the end of grade nine, were for the most part the friends that I had had since kindergarten with a few add ins along the way.  When I started grade ten, they shunned me.  They were 15 years olds, they were probably told to stay away from me by their parents - I know for sure that one was told by her older brother, she was the only one who did not listen, she was my best friend.

Shortly before I turned 16 I moved in with my Grandma in Christine Lake.  I made new friends.  Good friends.  They remained my friends for the most part, until I was in my late 20s when my life again turned upside down and again my friends vanished into thin air...  I spoke to one of them yesterday (Facebook messages count as talking right?) and it got me thinking.  A lot of thinking.  Mostly sad and frustrated, but a little happy.  Happy because I was talking to her and happy because it helped me to realize something very important.

When my kids have even the smallest problem with their friends I panic.  CH and PITA both know not to tell me about said problems because I freak out!  I go into full on panic mode.  I need to fix it.  I realized today, while doing the dishes, the cause of this crazy over mothering bat-crap lunatic behaviour is my own insecurities having been let down by my own relationships. Projecting my own experiences onto my kids...  tsk tsk.  Bad parenting.  Stupid skeleton's in my closet.

So. What this realization has done for me?  I am going to remind myself that I am worthy of having friends, I am going to be braver (at least try) about making friends and being friendly.  Most importantly, I am going to teach my children to rely on themselves, that they will get hurt but not too let it follow them into their future - not to let it effect the way they feel about themselves nor the way that they feel about friendship.

I need to leave my baggage behind and not pass it on. I need to leave it behind so that I feel worthy of relationships. I need to leave it behind so that I can really love myself.  

Oh happy days.  :o)  Tina

P.S.  Another ghost for you!

I am writing this post.  Sitting downstairs in the family room on my lap top and Penelope shouts - Mummy, there is someone at the door for you.  I go upstairs and there is a shady looking guy with an envelope at my door.  Hands it to me and off he goes.  H1 served me.  He wants the custody order from 2004 reinforced.  What a freakin' jackass.  I have never said Little Man couldn't go, he doesn't want to go.  I am not going to make him. He feels anxious and it makes him sick. He's crying because he doesn't want to go and H1 wants me to make him?  Um no.  Not gonna happen.  Does he think that the court forcing him to go is going to make him want to go???  What the heck?  Seriously.   What a jackass.