Sigh... Do Not Read This Post Unless You Don't Mind Self Pitty and Negative Ranting

Sometimes I cannot hold it in any longer.  I thing I am a tolerant person. It takes me a lot to get mad.  I don't get my back against the wall very easily.  I don't wig out or act all spazzy.  I can take a lot of crap before I burst and when I do burst I try really hard to keep it together and be calm and rational and talk in a calm and rational way.

I am a girl (notice I said a girl and not woman - women are old ladies and I will never be) who has a husband who has pain issues. It is so hard.  Everyday there is something.  The things is, I feel like I do almost everything on my own.  We parent together.  I pay the bills (albeit with his disability cheque which is a measly $1800 a month - not enough for a family of four to have extras but just enough to pay the bills). I do all the cooking. The vast majority of the cleaning - all the laundry, bed making, clothes organizing, holiday decorating, carpet vacuuming - he sometimes cleans the bathroom and vacuums the hard floors.  Right now he is in charge of dishes because I am on strike.  We have (read he has) been renovating our kitchen since June, the sink came out the third week in July and has still not been put back in and I am done with doing the dishes in the bathroom.  He can do it.

On top of being the one who does most of the inside chores, he cannot physically do the outside ones so that too is up to me.  As a result our yard is a jungle, our fence is falling down and the grass in about 8" long.  I am seriously considering getting a goat for next summer.  I have to check the city by-laws.

To add to that, before he was diagnosed with his disability I opened a quilt shop.  I wish I didn't.  Don't get me wrong, I love a lot about it but there are also a lot of things about it that make my life more difficult than it would be if I just had a regular job working for the man. Time and money mostly.  It is always a struggle - we need the money from the shop to help support our household but the shop needs that money to pay its bills as well - so I sacrifice the shop.  The result is not great.  I am at an impass with it all really. I get so tired and worn out from the stress of it that after I give everything I can to my kids and the shop there is so little left for me - or for CH.

Okay, I have gotten off topic.  I am just having a crap day.  Back to the topic - CH.  In February 2007 his Mom was diagnosed with terminal lung and bone cancer.  We had been planning to get married so sped up our plan and got married in June so that she could be there and enjoy it.  In October 2007 he was on his way for his nightly visit to his parents (he was a saint, he would go every night and take care of his Mom for a couple of hours to spend time with her and to give his Dad a break) and was t-boned at an intersection.  He was taken to hospital with soft tissue neck injuries.  Shortly after than, he was diagnosed with degenerative disk disease. That accounts for the headaches.

Being forced into a diagnosis with his neck - which had hurt for years - opened the door for him to inquire about a problem he had been experiencing with his elbows.  He had pain that felt as if he whacked his funny bone, the vast majority of the time. This led to a diagnosis of nerve damage in his elbows brought on by his having over stressed them working too hard over time.  In November 2008 he went on disability.

In October 2009 after a year of waiting for something to be done, he had surgery on his right elbow.  It left him screaming and crying afterward and to this day in worse pain than prior to the procedure.  He has been to a nerve specialist and they did not indicate that there was really anything that could be done.  We are now just waiting.  CH is good at waiting - I want to stalk the medical professionals.

I understand that he can't do things like everyone else.  I just don't always remember. He looks fine.  He acts fine (sort of).  He seems fine in every way other but he has not been able to pick Penelope up since she was about three and he has migraines that last days and days and he sleeps a lot and the combination of the medication and the pain makes him miserable (which gets directed at me and the Little Man).  Nobody seems to understand and everyone is always giving me useless advice meant to help when really what I need is actual help.  If you want to help, don't tell me a story about someone you know who, or make suggestions about a job he could do - go up to my house and mow my out of control lawn, or wash my floors, or put away my laundry, or get dinner ready so I don't have to do it when I get home from being at work all day (six days a week).  That is help.  I know these people do not understand - hell, I don't even understand. I am so tired.  My hair falls out in clumps... I just want some peace, a day without so much worry.  Some easy life for both of us would be such a treat.  I find myself wondering all the time - what did I do in my past life to deserve the stress I have in this one??? Is it just a series of bad choices?

I have to add one more thing before I go.  CH is man who I admire greatly and love immeasurably.  Kind and giving, her would never let you down.  Once he loves you, you are stamped for life.  I wish I could learn to go more easily on him. My heart breaks for his pain.  Okay, two things.  I love my life.  So so much.  I am PMSing and having a bit of day, that is all.

I am sorry for the rant - thank you for listening.  I appreciate it.  Today sucks, but I know tomorrow will be better, it always is!

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